[personal profile] ink_n_imp
This is me right now:

Upon reflection after writing out this entire spiel, this is being poured out of a MULTITUDE of problems and issues that have been piling up for a while, but it's all come to a head because of an apartment.

Upon reflection, I think it all stems from the fact I deal with EVERYTHING negative and stressful in my life by pushing it down and pushing it down and pushing it down, and I tend to make other people's problems mine, but I then IGNORE how these things actually are affecting me emotionally until OH YEA, THIS IS MESSING YOU UP, YOU NEED TO ADDRESS THIS.

I'm moving into a new apartment, but--if you will allow me a moment of weakness as I mix my metaphors--there are TOO MANY FUCKING CHEFS involved in this soupy mess and none of the hands know what the other is doing. I've begun having NIGHTMARES about having to move my shit to my parents' house while I wait on the fucking condo to get their shit together, as I have to be out of my current place by May 15th. What's dragging this out is 1) the sellers live in Jersey, and coordinating shit is a bitch and 2) this condo is acting like a FUCKING CO-OP, which in simple terms means a shit ton of paperwork which adds MORE DELAYS. PAPERWORK I wasn't FUCKING TOLD ABOUT OR GIVEN until LAST FUCKING WEEK.

Throw on top of that two VERY GOOD friends of mine just broke up with each other and THAT'S got my stressed because I already terrified of having to play the "pick-a-side" game, AND I'm stressed the fuck out because a VERY BIG art installation is JUST getting installed at my work place that WE are funding OURSELVES so it's a big fucking deal so I've been running around ragged over that, trying to make sure I haven't FORGOTTEN ANYTHING, and I JUST REMEMBERED that no, I can't help my roommate move out this weekend because I forgot about TWO APPOINTMENTS my dad made for apartment/real life shit that NEEDS to be settled this weekend, which almost made me CRY AT FUCKING WORK because I TOLD her I'd TOTALLY help her, cause I ALWAYS help friends move, it's what I fucking DO, but then my mom gave me the 3rd degree over my office phone about "how you give and give and give to all these friends but when are you going to take care of your stuff?"--

YEA. I just had to get from my desk JUST AFTER I WROTE THAT LAST PARAGRAPH to run to the bathroom. To fucking cram my fist in my mouth so the person in the next stall wouldn't hear me crying. WHERE IS THIS SHIT COMING FROM? This is fucking pathetic.

I just keep having to take a deep breath and REMIND myself that these are MINUSCULE, UNWORTHY problems compared to some things friends of mine have gone through/are going through. This is stupid shit, inconveniences at best, WHY is it crippling me so bad?

Today at work boss!lady got (minor-ly) yelled at and all stressed out because I dropped the freakin' ball on a set up yesterday (not an excuse, not a good one anyway, but the comp I was suppose to set up was suppose to go at a coworker's desk who was still there, working, and who hadn't cleared off the shit she had too and dude, I had to leave), but that's the thing. All these people--my parents, my friends, my freakin' Boss!Lady--give and give and give to me and then I fucking fail them or forget important shit that an INFANT wouldn't or just don't have my shit together in time and I'm SICK of it. I'm sick of ME right now. I'm SICK of the fact that because of my own bullshit, I have to catch myself from getting snippy or even downright nasty to the people I work with, people I honestly esteem and love but HOLY COW I just can't DEAL with their questions and almost childish inability to use critical thinking for what would be SIMPLE SOLUTIONS if they just thought for a moment instead of running to me. Worse, I can't even deal with their usual goof-offs and jokes and hi jinks. I just can't.

I'm not this person. I'M NOT THIS BITCH. And I have to fight the temptation to take it out on other people. ARGH LIFE, just leave this black-clouded corner of Nella alone for a bit, ok?

Mercury is in retrograde, right? I'm just going to blame the heavens, and try to keep my head low and my business in order for the rest of May. And hope things will work out before the 15th.

Date: 2010-04-28 10:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wheres-walnut.livejournal.com
Nella, you take care of so many other people, cover for so many other people's mistakes and provide SUPPORT for so many other people... you deserve as many breakdowns as you want.

And a pony.

Or a starship.

Or a well managed move.

P.S. I keep forgetting to offer but let me know if you need an extra hand while you're moving. I CAN DO ZAT.

Date: 2010-04-29 03:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ink-n-imp.livejournal.com
LOL THAT'S THE OTHER THING that led to the meltdown! I was going over the apartment building rules and stuff, and I can only move in Mon-Fri, 9-5! I'm going to have to take a day off from work, during a high stress time of the month/year at my work place where they can't really AFFORD to give me the day off for my move in (but they will anyway, it's just going to suck for everyone at work), AND nearly ALL of my friends that would help me move have jobs as well! I mean, what IS this shit, even a Sat move in would be FINE!

I need to call them and explain this, but I'm sure they'll just be like "Suck it." I just can't even though. It'll just be my parents, my brother, and myself. Thank God I don't have THAT much shit, and at least will have them helping me. But seriously? SERIOUSLY?

I can't wait until I move and have that gym in the basement. That rowing machine they had down there is going to get VERY well acquainted with my frustrations, heh.

I'm afraid I don't have room for the pony or the starship, but I'll take the well-managed move, thanks. ^_^ And hopefully next time I see you, I'll be feeling FAR more balanced. *fingers crossed*

Date: 2010-04-29 11:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wheres-walnut.livejournal.com
Gurl, I freelance. I'm not free every weekday but I can totally take off some random weekday if I know a week in advance.

Mondays, Wednesday and Fridays are usually good. LEMME KNOW. I CAN DO ZAT.


Date: 2010-04-28 10:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ayalesca.livejournal.com
That's a lot to deal with and it's completely reasonable to be stressed out over it. Moving is always hell and I'm amazed that you have kept everything together so well thus far. It'll get over and done with eventually and you can revel in your awesome new apartment then. In the meantime ... chocolate and tea?

Re: *hugs*

Date: 2010-04-29 04:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ink-n-imp.livejournal.com
Thank you. After typing all that and getting to catch some dinner with some friends after work, I'm feeling much better about EVERYTHING, even if everything is still up in the air. I suppose this is where I make a volcano analogy?

But yea. I can't wait for all this nonsense to blow over so I can merrily get on with life, instead of feeling like this. ^_^;;;

Date: 2010-04-28 11:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kathynancygirl.livejournal.com
Elinor will be fine...yeah I am also not helping...but others will.

Also if your friends want you to pick sides on the break up don't and tell them you won't.

Remind me to give you the pretty relaxing cello music when you get home.

Date: 2010-04-28 11:07 pm (UTC)
ext_3167: Happiness is a dragon in formaldehyde  (tea)
From: [identity profile] puckling.livejournal.com
Oh honey,

All these people--my parents, my friends, my freakin' Boss!Lady--give and give and give to me and then I fucking fail them or forget important shit that an INFANT wouldn't or just don't have my shit together in time and I'm SICK of it.

this? Soooooooo not true. So not true at all.

So keep breathing and drinking tea. Tea is key.

Date: 2010-04-30 06:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ink-n-imp.livejournal.com
Tea. My old friend and comfort in times of need. ^_^

Thanks so much. I'm feeling much more bolstered and balanced now, and I'll weather this out. I think I just had to get a lot of that poison out, and typing it out really leeched it, ya know?

Date: 2010-04-28 11:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] grey-bard.livejournal.com
Hey, if the table has to wait, that's cool as far as I'm concerned. I understand having a tough time.

Date: 2010-04-29 12:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ncc-gqmf.livejournal.com
Girl, you do a lot, a lot a lot a lot, for everyone. It's okay to need to deal with your own shit every so often! That is A-OK. I won't tell you not to have a meltdown, because sometimes everyone needs to have a meltdown, but just... let yourself have it so you don't have to worry anymore. And if you need to take it out on someone, if you need to vent, you can vent to me any time.

Date: 2010-04-29 01:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] merelyn.livejournal.com

Date: 2010-04-29 02:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] drinksineedem.livejournal.com
so i totally got grounded on your birthday, and i totally want to take you out for a meal to catch up and i dunno, do a post celebration because it looks like you could use some support right now. :( am i allowed to do this?

Date: 2010-04-30 06:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ink-n-imp.livejournal.com
TOTALLY, ABSOLUTELY ALLOWED. Truth be told, just hanging out with people really been getting me through this nonsense going on, so, hey, if you want to meet up for dinner or something, I'm game! XD Get out of work at 6pm, and am out of town this weekend, but drop me a line about when's good for you--we absolutely need to hang out and catch up cause, man, it really has been too long since the last time.

Date: 2010-04-29 10:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] l-loire.livejournal.com
You know, it is perfectly ok for you to help yourself once in a while--as much as you're an awesome, kind person, you do have to take a break once in a while and help yourself, rather than deal with the world's problems.

I'll repeat what others have said on here and offer my ears if you need to vent; hell, if you need a weekend away to just relax, you know where April and I live. My semester is over, so we're free to have guests again without me running all over the place doing homework.


Upstate is nice this time of year...

Date: 2010-05-02 04:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] neo-ninja.livejournal.com
Alright, this all sounds familiar for some reason! Even down to the Mercury in Retrograde thing. It happened I think three times in 2008, and that was the furthest thing from a vintage year for me. Then again, you were there for me through a lot of that mess, weren't you?

You've been a cornerstone for chaotic people the ENTIRE TIME I've known you, which is now a damn long while. Whether it was issues that were sparked by family, school, or internal emotastic depression (that last one is me), you always managed to keep a large amount of cool through it all. I remember being very jealous of how you always seemed to keep it so well together when I couldn't get two thoughts together. In fact, I can only think of one, maybe two times in... over the decade I've known you, where you started to look like you really were beginning to crack and struggle in earnest.

You need a damned break from the city, in my opinion. Come on up, get some fresh air, with actual trees, and a bevy of hippies. A change of pace and scenery for a weekend would do you good, and as I know we don't get a chance to chill enough... well, means you can then come on out this way and rant over a few beers to blow off steam. Its the damned least I can do for you after all you've done tacking me together all this time.

December 2010

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