[personal profile] ink_n_imp
This is me right now:

Upon reflection after writing out this entire spiel, this is being poured out of a MULTITUDE of problems and issues that have been piling up for a while, but it's all come to a head because of an apartment.

Upon reflection, I think it all stems from the fact I deal with EVERYTHING negative and stressful in my life by pushing it down and pushing it down and pushing it down, and I tend to make other people's problems mine, but I then IGNORE how these things actually are affecting me emotionally until OH YEA, THIS IS MESSING YOU UP, YOU NEED TO ADDRESS THIS.

I'm moving into a new apartment, but--if you will allow me a moment of weakness as I mix my metaphors--there are TOO MANY FUCKING CHEFS involved in this soupy mess and none of the hands know what the other is doing. I've begun having NIGHTMARES about having to move my shit to my parents' house while I wait on the fucking condo to get their shit together, as I have to be out of my current place by May 15th. What's dragging this out is 1) the sellers live in Jersey, and coordinating shit is a bitch and 2) this condo is acting like a FUCKING CO-OP, which in simple terms means a shit ton of paperwork which adds MORE DELAYS. PAPERWORK I wasn't FUCKING TOLD ABOUT OR GIVEN until LAST FUCKING WEEK.

Throw on top of that two VERY GOOD friends of mine just broke up with each other and THAT'S got my stressed because I already terrified of having to play the "pick-a-side" game, AND I'm stressed the fuck out because a VERY BIG art installation is JUST getting installed at my work place that WE are funding OURSELVES so it's a big fucking deal so I've been running around ragged over that, trying to make sure I haven't FORGOTTEN ANYTHING, and I JUST REMEMBERED that no, I can't help my roommate move out this weekend because I forgot about TWO APPOINTMENTS my dad made for apartment/real life shit that NEEDS to be settled this weekend, which almost made me CRY AT FUCKING WORK because I TOLD her I'd TOTALLY help her, cause I ALWAYS help friends move, it's what I fucking DO, but then my mom gave me the 3rd degree over my office phone about "how you give and give and give to all these friends but when are you going to take care of your stuff?"--

YEA. I just had to get from my desk JUST AFTER I WROTE THAT LAST PARAGRAPH to run to the bathroom. To fucking cram my fist in my mouth so the person in the next stall wouldn't hear me crying. WHERE IS THIS SHIT COMING FROM? This is fucking pathetic.

I just keep having to take a deep breath and REMIND myself that these are MINUSCULE, UNWORTHY problems compared to some things friends of mine have gone through/are going through. This is stupid shit, inconveniences at best, WHY is it crippling me so bad?

Today at work boss!lady got (minor-ly) yelled at and all stressed out because I dropped the freakin' ball on a set up yesterday (not an excuse, not a good one anyway, but the comp I was suppose to set up was suppose to go at a coworker's desk who was still there, working, and who hadn't cleared off the shit she had too and dude, I had to leave), but that's the thing. All these people--my parents, my friends, my freakin' Boss!Lady--give and give and give to me and then I fucking fail them or forget important shit that an INFANT wouldn't or just don't have my shit together in time and I'm SICK of it. I'm sick of ME right now. I'm SICK of the fact that because of my own bullshit, I have to catch myself from getting snippy or even downright nasty to the people I work with, people I honestly esteem and love but HOLY COW I just can't DEAL with their questions and almost childish inability to use critical thinking for what would be SIMPLE SOLUTIONS if they just thought for a moment instead of running to me. Worse, I can't even deal with their usual goof-offs and jokes and hi jinks. I just can't.

I'm not this person. I'M NOT THIS BITCH. And I have to fight the temptation to take it out on other people. ARGH LIFE, just leave this black-clouded corner of Nella alone for a bit, ok?

Mercury is in retrograde, right? I'm just going to blame the heavens, and try to keep my head low and my business in order for the rest of May. And hope things will work out before the 15th.
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