[personal profile] ink_n_imp
Leave it to my brother to derail any tentative hope and happiness my parents might have in regards to him. Some times, I swear, I want to punch him in the face.

He withdrew from his classes at Johnson and Wales.


Well, maybe he withdrew from only one class. Maybe he withdrew from them all. I don't know, because he hasn't answered my email yet, he's not picking up his phone, and he's NOT calling me back. He's probably screening anything coming in from me and my parents. But he has at least withdrawn from one class. He told mom that this morning…WHILE HAVING THE GALL TO TELL HER HE'S NOT COMING HOME FOR THIS, HER BIRTHDAY WEEKEND, OH AND IF SHE COULD PUT 60 BUCKS IN HIS ACCOUNT BECAUSE HE WANTS TO TAKE HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND TO DINNER ON SUNDAY* THAT BE GREAT--.

I'M ENRAGED. NO REALLY, I'M FURIOUS. I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT BULLSHIT HE'S PULLING THIS TIME. HE WENT TO COLLEGE SO HOPEFUL AND READY TO WORK IN A FIELD HE'S ENJOYED WORKING IN FOR THE LAST 6 MONTHS AND READY TO USE THIS TO GET AWAY FROM MOM AND DAD AND HE'S COCKED IT UP. WHY DOES HE ALWAYS DO THIS? WHY CAN'T HE NOT PRESS HIS PERSONAL FUCKING SELF DESTRUCT BUTTON?!?!?!?!

AND SERIOUSLY, YOU DROP A CLASS ON MOM'S BIRTHDAY AND THEN EXPECT HER TO HAPPILY DESPOSIT 60 BUCKS* SO YOU CAN GO ON A FUCKING DATE?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!

THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH EXCLAMATION POINTS AND QUESTION MARKS IN THIS UNIVERSE FOR ME TO DRIVE HOME HOW MUCH THAT LAST BIT MAKES ME A TOUCH PUNCH-HAPPY.

Columbus Day weekend is his college's family open house. He's been pretty into me visiting him so he can show me around…which is really really weird of him to actually WANT to do anything with family, so I've been honestly torn between my Comic Con plans and visiting him. And I WAS thinking that, OMG, my brother's happy and getting his life in awesome order and I should celebrate this with him and visit!—except now I just want to say 'FUCK YOU' to him. Honestly, if he drops out of college completely, I think my mother will finally break her No-Highways driving policy to bring up the rest of his stuff because there would be no way in hell he'd ever be welcome again in her house.

I just don't get it. I. DON'T. GET. IT. My parents have given him everything, even emotional support every time he changes his mind/drops out of college/fucks around with his life. True, they don't give their support without giving him a piece of their minds as well (my father does it far more gently and in a more heartbreaking manner than I think my mother could ever manage, but my mother has the righteous fury of an angry god when it comes to my brother fucking things up at this point. Tough Love is my mother's way).

Sometimes it feels like my brother does this, drops out, gives up, gets Fs and Incompletes because he can't HANDLE…it's not even success. Just…managing. He can't handle just MANAGING.
My brother is a smart cookie, not much for the common sense but he's clever. He's always fluctuated between painfully-socially-awkward and being the life of the party. But as soon as things start going his way, as soon as the people around him are nice and friendly, as soon as he has a job and money and basic responsibilities and an oppurtunity—

He throws it all away. He shuts himself up and sleeps all day, he starts up with pot again, he stops taking his meds. As if the weight of Doing-Alright-Actually is too much to bear. And I don't know how to tell him that no, he CAN handle it, he is smart and he CAN make good decisions and he BE happy. That fuck being insecure around what he deems "popular, successful" people. I mean, fuck, I went to NYU and I'm working as an office manager because I couldn't make it in my chosen field, because at the end of the day I didn't have the passion to make the sacrifices necessary to go for that masters or PhD and dedicate myself to my field. Because at the end of the day I'm a Jack-of-All and no Master. But I work, I pay my bills, I'm shit at saving money but I keep dreaming, I keep scheming, because hey, there's still Life to take by the Cajones. And I say this as a deeply unmotivated person who far too much of a dreamer for my own good.

And this is why my brother is breaking my heart. I just want him to enjoy his life instead of running away from it. It's like he's convinced he's only good for a dead up grocery store job, and nothing more. Meanwhile, he is so much more than that, and is capable of being so much more than that.

Which is why I want to box his ears so badly.

*my mom holds onto his savings and deposits a weekly allowance in his account for him, because he would spend ALL of his savings in 3 weeks if he had full access to it, no joke.



So, the morale of the story is that I don't know what to do, or say. I don't know how this is going to pan out, I don't know if this is just going to be another in a long line of stupid heartbreaking mistakes my brother makes. I CERTAINLY don't know how my parents are going to manage this—my brother has worn them down to NUBS because of the things he's done, and continues to do. And I don't know what's going to happen to my brother.

It's funny. My dad and I got our hopes up that going to Johnson and Wales was a turning point for my brother. We really, really believed that he was going to be happy and finish the 4 years. Meanwhile, my mother was making dour bets about how long he was really going to last before he sunk himself and returned to Long Island. Just goes to show my father and I are the incurable optimists, while my mother just knows my brother too well. I just wish I could laugh about that particular family dynamic, instead of it breaking my fucking heart.


Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go back to work.

Date: 2010-09-24 06:58 pm (UTC)
ext_26836: BEES! (Emoti: Srsly?)
From: [identity profile] mellifluous-ink.livejournal.com
Oh god. I don't even... jesus fuck, I kind of hate your brother a little bit too. I would KILL for a supportive family, instead of just a mom who can't give me anything but emotional support--not even a bed to sleep in--because that's all she can afford. I mean, shit. SHIT. I'm sitting here really afraid of going to college because I'LL be paying for all of it, and I don't even have the LUXURY of treatment for my mental illness so I'll have to deal with the stress of school without, let ALONE the fact that... well, all I'M good for is dead-end work full of abuse and harassment.

God, he is so ungrateful. SO. UNGRATEFUL. I can only be understanding of mental issues to a certain point--after that, you're just being an ungrateful ass. Jesus fuck. Maybe y'all SHOULD let him work a dead end job and be dirt poor; maybe that'll teach him. Then again maybe not, but fuck. FUCK. He is being a PARASITE.

Date: 2010-09-24 07:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ayalesca.livejournal.com
Ugh :///// I'm so sorry you have to deal with/watch this, and I also feel some your frustration. Ugh. Support like that is seriously hard to come by, so many people could tell him that, and that he throws it away makes me grind my teeth a little.

*hugs* But you are awesome! I would like you to know that. <3

Date: 2010-09-27 04:40 am (UTC)
ext_3167: Happiness is a dragon in formaldehyde  (Robin will restore amends)
From: [identity profile] puckling.livejournal.com
I'm so so sorry to hear about everything that's going on with your brother. I hope that everything eventually works out so that it's not such a shit show. :\

late response is late (away for the weekend) but still sincerely meant

Date: 2010-09-30 06:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] neo-ninja.livejournal.com
****, Nella. Just ****.

Give me a call or text if you feel like screaming at something. Or hell, come up here for a night of pints at the bar on me.

December 2010

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