ink_n_imp: (It's from GOD - ABoFL)
My mother has begun teaching religious education at our parish, and her instructor's manual is sorely lacking and damningly confusing. So she called me for help.

I just spent 40 minutes explaining and debating Catholic dogma and theology with her over the phone. While pulling up references and sources for her to bring to class about such basic things as "the Immaculate Conception", the "Three-in-One", and "Transubstantiation" so then if the kids ask questions, she can answer with more than "oh, well, it's, er...it's a matter of faith.*"

How did I end up such a knowledgeable and yet Bad Catholic? I know ALL about this stuff, and yet I'm a truly terrible Catholic. Like, where-am-going-and-why-am-I-in-this-basket terrible. Sometimes I feel like at least the Ashes-&-Palms Catholics and the Easter-&-Christmas Catholics can plead ignorance thanks to a truly HEINOUSLY INADEQUATE religious education.

But me?

God damnit.



*OK OK, I know this is an honestly correct response for MANY of the Mysteries of Christianity, but some things DO have explanations and justifications outside of "Oh, cause it's what WE BELIEVE."
When I was in catholic school (kindergarten to 8th grade) I was One of a Triumvirate (myself, Greg and Stephen) that the teachers and priests SWORE would join the catholic holy orders one day.

Well--

Today I attended the ordination of Greg—the eldest of that triumvirate of YOU-WILL-TAKE-THE CATHOLIC-VOW-OF-HOLY ORDERS!

Greg is as of today, A CATHOLIC PRIEST.

Stephen is already a Brother, and is teaching at Chaminade High School, an all boy's catholic school in Mineola.

And myself?

…Two out of three ain't bad for the Catholic church?

Seriously, tonight I drank mightily and would have dropped my panties for my beer pong partner who NOT ONLY knew details of French-written Arthurian legend, but who knew Norse history (aka, what an "ting" was) and could quote shit from Hemingway AND who could discuss AT LENGTH King Alfred and who was joyously intrigued by my quotating and explicating of G.K Chesterton's "The Ballad of the White Horse") and who ALSO WAS ABLE TO QUOTE WODEHOUSE AND HAD GREAT AFFECTION FOR HUGH LAURIE AND STEPHEN FRY AS SKETCH COMEDIANS AND KNEW THEY WERE PART OF THE CAMBRIDGE FOOTLIGHTS!

BE STILL MY FUCKING BEATING HEART!!!

Oh, and strangest part of all?

HE'S THE MOTHERFUCKING BROTHER OF A BOY WHO WAS IN MY ELEMENTERY/MIDDLE SCHOOL, WHOM I AM STILL FRIENDS WITH.

HOLY. MOTHERFUCKING. SHIT.

Once I read a book that SWORE that a person, if they followed the medieval model of looking for their perfect mate in a 30 mile radius (aka, walking distance) of where they were born, that they would find it.

Ummmmmmmmmmmmm…hello? I would like to subscribe to that newsletter?

I WOULD HAVE THIS CHAP'S* BABIES WERE HE WILLING TO STICK AROUND.

NO. LIE.


*AND I MEAN CHAP IN THAT HE QUOTED WODEHOUSE AND WE "WHAT HO/RIGHT HO/BALLY"'ED EACH OTHER SEVERAL TIMES THIS EVENING! AND HE APPROVED OF MY REASON FOR SEEINGMYSELF AS A CHAP WITH SAPPHIC TENDENCIES.

MORNING AFTER EDIT:...I am impressed by how coherently I can still write while three sheets to the wind. I mean, it's still EMBARRASSING the shit I'll post while drunk, but at least it's legible?

Also--ouch, uncontrollable drunken caps-locking much?
ink_n_imp: (It's from GOD - ABoFL)
My roommate, [livejournal.com profile] muneybags6, was raised as Catholic as me, which means long, brutal years of shame, guilt, and plaid. I mean, I've know this chick since we were wee little first graders in a class of 36 other impressionable souls wearing pleated jumpers and shit.

So imagine my GOBSMACKED face when [livejournal.com profile] andic213 begins yelling from the other room: "ANTONELLA!! CATHOLIC FAIL!!! CATHOLIC FAIL!!"



Me: *intrigued, rises from bed* What?

[livejournal.com profile] andic213: Your roommate thought this Friday was called Black Friday! CATHOLIC FAIL!

[livejournal.com profile] muneybags6: I thought it was Black Friday!...but that's that shopping day after Thanksgiving.

Me: ...SERIOUSLY?

[livejournal.com profile] andic213: It's Good Friday! Catholic FAIL!!!!

Me: ....SERIOUSLY?! THE JEW KNEW IT WAS CALLED GOOD FRIDAY AND YOU DIDN'T? CATHOLIC FAIL!!!!


Seriously, muneybags. You didn't make the baby Jesus cry, but he's certainly sighing and shaking his head sadly. FOR SHAME.


EDIT OF SHAME: I wrote "GODSMACKED" instead of "GOBSMACKED".

...Though, honestly, Godsmacked is, dare I say, more fitting.

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