She Likes Coffee and I Like Tea

I have to get up at 4 am so that the family and I can leave for the happy, happy land that is Florida. Thanksgiving in Florida? In EPCOT, no less? Still not certain how I feel about this.

So I leave you with this! (yoinked from swankyfunk



Oh, fancy that, my birthday is in March...*whistles innocently*

When I return, I shall have to regale you all with tales of working in the Greenhouse office in the city, where archaeological drama reigns supreme, which is an accomplishment considering it's only me and Paula and two phone lines in the office. Wherein clients cut down trees in an attempt to force you into uncovering more graves (because the term "preservation" seems BEYOND their limited grasp of the POINT of archaeology!), fire you one evening and hire you again in the morning. Likewise, the joys of commuting and running errands through the Financial District (*glomps downtown Manhattan!*), the pains of having to get up at 5 am, and the general tribulations of not getting my hands on a stiff drink when I need one (though I've finally found a DAMN GOOD pizza place right off of Stone Street).

...and now, BED.

David Beckman, dressed as Prince Philip from 'Sleeping Beauty'.



"Other photos for the Disney campaign feature singer-actress Beyonce Knowles as Alice in Wonderland and actress Scarlett Johansson as Cinderella."

Show of hands--did anyone else's brain just break a little bit?


Postscript: as much as I love my Tigerlily icon, DAMN I wish I had my Peter Pan 'WTF?' for this post instead.

I really need a tag for posts about Hitler. I think "Springtime for Hitler" will do nicely.


One more instance of why poking fun at Hitler is a wonderful thing...

It was round about 1:30 am. I was sitting in the kitchen, futzing on the computer, channel surfing, making tea, minding my own business, when I happen upon the Disney Channel, and there's animation that looks suspiciously like Emperor's New Groove. "Sweet!" I think, "It's Emperor's New Groove, I'll get me some Kronk and Kuzco And Yzma and Pancha lovin' before I hit the sack!"

Oh god, was I wrong.

When did the Disney Channel make an Emperor's New Groove tv series? I could SWEAR Lindsay brought this up last year, but I honestly don't think I believed her. But it exists. And I watched all of 10 "WTF?!!" minutes of it.

So, the ending bit I DID manage to catch?


Kuzco, for some reason, seems to be in High School. In EMPEROR'S ACADEMY. There's a big old race the next day. Kuzco is all like "IMMA GOING TO WIN!" and for SOME REASON THAT I THINK ISN'T EXPLAINED, EVEN THOUGH IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN AND I SIMPLY MISSED IT COMING INTO THE EPISODE UBER-LATE, Yzma doesn't want him to win. To the point that she employs her henchman Kronk to slip him the o'TURTLE juice, so he'll turn into--GUESS WHAT!!--a turtle. SO then he'll be as SLOW as a Turtle. Of course! It's genius!!

But, OH MIGHTY PLOT CONVIENENCE, Kronk has mistaking the vials, and Kuzco is turned into a RABBIT. And he unwittingly does his "I'm Hott emperor shit!" in front of all his classmates/minions, who laugh at his bunny self. Well, after moaning about how his now has a "RABBIT FACE! UGLY RABBIT FACE!!" and about how he has no chance in the race, Plot!Convienence! Girl 1 comes along to...I don't even remember what she was there to tell Kuzco. "Um...sorry you're a rabbit. Cute ears."? But anyway, P!C!girl 1 gets across her P!C!point that "OMG I wanted to tell you back there, but you were so fast it took me forever to catch up!"

And now, Kuzco's all like "OMG I CAN RUN FAST!?!? OF COURSE! I'M A RABBIT! LET'S IGNORE THAT YOU COMFORTED ME IN MY TIME OF DISTRESSED AFTER GETTING TEASED BY MY CLASSMATES/MINIONS! I'M IN THE RACE!"

And then, Pancha gets mentioned, and I'm like "DUDE!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THE TIMELINE OF THIS CRACK!!?! HOW DID HE KNOW PANCHA WHILE IN High School?!?! DID THE MOVIE HAPPEN BEFORE HE GRADUATED EMPEROR'S HIGH SCHOOL!?!?

(AN: I really, really, really apologize for all the caps. Seriously. I know caps lock is not cool, but the pain is great. Oh so great is it.)

So, he enters the race, and it's him, several highschool classmates/minions, and Kronk. And the race is OFF! And Kuzco is kicking ass!!

...but YZMA, for SOME REASON, can't let Kuzco win. So she tries everything from boulders, to pits with alligators, to cutting the lines of the suspension bridge, and she manages to take EVERYONE out except Kuzco.

I felt bad for the classmates/minions, yo.


Well, Kuzco wins, and Pancha is at the finish line to hug his bunny self and offer congrads (W.T.F. Pancha, you should be Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Film, not homoerotically embracing a Rabbit!Kuzco! AND GOD, the Pancha animation! He went from "Aw, cuddly fat man" to Fugly REALLY easy. TOOOOO easy. Curse you cheap Disney TV animation done in Australian and Korea!!)

And Yzma, who for some reason has been dressed like a psycho!highschool teacher with glasses and bun and everything, gets her just desserts when Kuzco slips a secret special something for her in Kronk's famous spinach puffs.

W.T.F.

This has been a W.T.F. brought to you from Long Island!! Long Island: Where the white trash is well-to-do!

Wow, I've been working on this bitch since 4 am. My title, you ask?



Take those Damned Gift Baskets and Shove It!

Or,
When Nationhood Comes Knocking,
Turn Off the Lights and Hope It Goes Away

A Comparison of Disney's Pocahontas and Miyazaki's Princess Mononoke



Don't ask me what my subject titles are. Trust me.

...The in-post production Kronk’s New Groove continues the adventures of the breakout character from 2000’s unashamedly cartoony Emperor’s New Groove. (At the time, one critic called Patrick Warbuton’s voice work as the kind-hearted but dim-witted henchman “the funniest comedy performance of the year.”) The DTV is being directed by DisneyToon team Saul Andrew Blinkoff and Elliot M. Bour. According to Bour, “The original didn’t do incredibly well in theaters but it turns out to be one of those fan favorites that everyone you talk to seems to love. We decided to explore his character even more by giving him a love interest [voiced by Tracy Ullman] and a relationship with his estranged father [Frasier’s John Mahoney].”

Blinkoff adds, “We wanted to make it a heartfelt movie that you could walk away with laughing, but having a good theme — stay true to your groove — which is actually a song in the movie."...

...Other ideas in development at DisneyToon Studios include a non-TV pilot Cinderella III (built around the stepmother using the fairy godmother’s magic wand to turn back time)...

...a Peter Pan inbetween-quel exploring Tinkerbell’s adventures in ‘Pixie Hollow’ with an assortment of fairy girlfriends...

From Animation World Magazine

Ok, ok. First things first: Kronk is my love bunny. Any character that calls his shoulder angel "Shoulder Angel" is just cuddles worthy in my book. But love interest? Estranged father? What, was he's father upset that his son was a girly junior chipmunk or something? That he was too busy conversing with woodland creatures and not spending enough time on the farm? Was he angry that Kronk went off to the big palacey type thing to find his fortunes working for Yzma? And let me guess, no girl can resist his spinach puffs. But this IS Kronk we're talking about--even the tried and hankneyed might become WONDEROUS in relation to Kronk.

But!!!!

WHY. THE. FUCK. Is Lady Tremaine of Cinderella fame now SOOOOO EVIL that she would steal the fairy godmother's wand and use it to...yes, you read it...TURN BACK TIME. Is it SO difficult to hire a new servant since Cinderella left, that she has to GO BACK IN FREAKING TIME to...I donno even KNOW what--stop Cindy from going to the ball? Get one of her girls to be the "Cinderella" of the family instead? Get the Prince herself? Make sure Cinderella did all the laundry and dusting BEFORE she went to the ball and became the Prince's main squeeze, so Lady Tremaine wouldn't have to do it later?

WTF?!?

And the last thing we need in this world is more Tinkerbelle. In my mind, it's a DAMN good thing that Peter in Barrie's book completely forgot about her once she "disappears" (though, I'm quite sure he capped the whiney bitch and feigned memory loss) cause we need to take a page out of Peter's book. Let's all forget that Tinkerbelle EVER HAPPENED. I don't care if she is the 1960's version of a raging sexpot. I don't care if Hot Topic is selling all sorts of Tinkerbelle shit. Hot Topic isn't cool to begin with. No, my friends, Tinkerbelle needs to die, her and every single one of her "fairy girlfriends". Girls! STOP BUYING TINKERBELLE SHIT!!! I'M FUCKING SICK TO DEATH OF TINKERBELLE!!!*

If I could, I would stick Tinkerbelle on a fork, eat her, and then floss my teeth with her glossy wings.

*Simmering ANGER*

*Foam at mouth beginning to recede*




*If this was singealiene posting, there would have been a description of a Hades flame explosion right THERE.



EDIT: Oh, and be sure to scroll all the way down to the bottom of the fourth page to the "A Look at a Few DTV Sequels" text box. The poor bastard who wrote this article tried to justify a few of the sequels, like Hunchback II, Lady and the Tramp II, and the last storyline of Cinderella II. *GLARE*

LION KING 1 1/2 WAS NOT FUNNY!! IT WAS ALL RECYCLED ANIMATION AND FURTHER PROOF THAT TIMON AND PUMBAA ARE TOTALLY GAY FOR EACHOTHER!!

http://www.progressiveboink.com/archive/disneysequels.html

This is easily the most BRILLIANT and most COMPREHENSIVE guide to Disney sequels. Some of my favorite bits:


Cinderella II: Dreams Come True
Ok, this is just wrong. How do you write a sequel to Cinderella? Unless Prince Charming is cheating on his wife & picking up more chicks riding pumpkins, this can't be the least bit interesting.

Cinderella & the Prince return to the palace after their hot, steamy honeymoon, & Cinderella is finding it difficult to adapt to the royal lifestyle. She is given the title of Royal Hostess, otherwise known as the easiest job in the world. Alright, I'm exaggerating. The easiest job in the world belongs to Carrot Top. He gets paid to have red hair & be annoying. That's just not fair. Cinderella's just having trouble learning the ways & traditions of the Royal Court, worrying that her provincial hospitality might be inappropriate. Throw in some mice, the Fairy Godmother, & Lucifer, the almighty housecat of darkness, & you have the dumbest idea for a movie since Chairman Of The Board. I'm telling you. Not fair.

What We've Learned: Stick to your story. If you say they lived happily ever after, leave it at that & shut up. We don't need you to elaborate. Do something wise with your time. Like make an Owl Movie.



Hercules II: The Trojan War. It's about safe sex.



Ok, I donno if the Herculas one is true, but it still warms my heart. Teehee.