She Likes Coffee and I Like Tea

Well, I have finally posted my first review on marysues. Go check it out! If you love Star Wars, hate bad writing, and want to maim fan girls, this is the review for you!

Or, I'm geeking out over here!


Back when there was a movie theater in the Smithhaven Mall, and when the price of a matinee ticket was still less than $5 (In Fact, I think I only paid $4.25), and, if my memory is not complete shit, this would have been around '97. More or less. It must have been for I was still a measly middle schooler...

BUT back WHEN all of these were true, I saw "Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back" for the first time in Smithhaven mall theater. I had seen bits of "A New Hope" on TV. I had devoured the single bound, 3 book novelization in a single week at Disney World. I had ridden on the Star Wars ride at Disney's MGM park more times than I could recall. And on that day, I got my first taste of Star Wars.

I admit I was hooked. I watched Return of the Jedi on TV and tried to get my hands on as many Star Wars novels as I could. I drooled over the Star Wars Visual Dictionaries. I read pithy, rather confusing books chronicling the adventures of Luke, Leia and Han after RotJ. I even read the "Young Jedi Knights" series.


Hence why "Revenge of the Sith" was so FUCKING frustrating.

Now, most movies would KILL for a plot like the one in Episode 3. Even though I (and every other mother's son) knew how it had to end, I was dying to see how it would go down. I'm all for elaborate fight scenes. I heart them. Two crazy jedi's duking it out over molten lava? BOO YEA! So in that regard, I was deliriously pleased.

BUT...I was also FRUSTRATED out of my MIND, and from the moment the word "WAR!" appeared at the beginning of the movie. (Which got a LOT of half-groans, half snickers from our geek audience).

The problem my friends, was that the dialogue was so forced.

Pun.

Ok, now that I've gotten the word play out of my system, I'm serious. Hayden and the gang must have crawled into their trailers with each rewrite they got so that they could drown their woes. With such winners as "Your breaking my HEART Ani!" and "Hold me like you did on the lakes of" etc etc, CAMPY was not the problem. CAMPY was Obi-Wan, and I heart my Obi-Wan, and someone needed to be Han-ish. No, my friends, the PROBLEM is that, in the words of my esteemed former roommate singealiene, whoever wrote the dialogue must have been exiled from all human contact for the last 30 years. Only feasible explain for how SOMEONE could think that that CRAP was a good idea.

Oh, and only last thing...LOST the fucking WILL to LIVE? What pregnant woman DOES THAT? How the FUCK did Padme become so FUCKING PASSIVE? And how is that the kick-your-ass-and-fly-a-ship-and-smuggle-enemy-plans-and-shoot-your-sorry-ass-while-I'm-at-it-bitch Leia came from the womb of such a SIMPERING GIRL?!? Who's with me on this, that Padme couldn't have gotten ANY MORE BORING?


*SIGH*

But my friends, good has come from this frustrating darkness. This weekend, singealiene, muneybags6 and I gathered around the DVD player and watched Episodes 4-6.

And they were GLORIOUS.

Thank you Episode 3. Because you frustrated me SOOOOO much, I have rediscovered the magic and the sheer JOY of the original movies. The characters, the dialogue, the plot, the mythology...even though you pained me, Episode 3, you some how STILL managed to make these 3 RICHER. Darth Vader became THAT much more bad ass. Luke and Leia became THAT much more deeper. Obi-Wan's twinkle in his eye meant something WONDROUS! And Han became a welcome, long, refreshing, campy and sexy drink of cold water after crawling through the desert.

Episodes 1-3, dare I say it, were not for naught.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I still have some Star Wars novels upstairs in my room.