She Likes Coffee and I Like Tea

The problem with going long stretches of time without posting anything to Livejournal is that when you finally get "Hey, I haven't posted to LJ in a long time, I should get on that!" into your head, you can think of absolutely NOTHING of worth to post about.

This is where I add the disclaimer that I went into the theater SERIOUSLY wanting to love this movie. I wanted to walk out the same raving fangirl that walked out of the first one.

Alas.

Saw Pirates of the Caribbean 3, and finally figured out what's been bothering me about the lot of them ever since the second movie came out. I still ADORE the first one. Loved a lot of bits in the second movie, but still haven't had the desire to purchase it (unlike when the 1st one came out on DVD…I needed that movie like a zombie needs brains, and purchased it very close to the day it came out). There were even bits of this 3rd one that struck my fancy. But over all, the POTC movies have lost the sparkle in my eye.

The problem I find is that the Powers That Be went and make the pirate world Too Damn Big.

Now, this is probably making some of you scratch your heads, but I shall try to explain.

Pirates are big characters with big personalities; s'what I love about Pirates. Captain Hook, Long John Silver, Henry Morgan, Mary Reade and Anne Bonny (you know, those two ladies of "If you'd have fought like a man you wouldn't be getting hanged like a dog" fame), and the newly minted Jack Sparrow…excuse me, CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow; fictional or real, Pirates swashbuckle. Swagger. Yell big things like "AHOY!" and, "AVAST, ME HEARTIES!". They drink large, irresponsible quantities of Rum and other spirits (though mainly rum) and they WENCH, thereby blowing ALL of their money very quickly. They would rather run or fight than get caught and be hanged. Ninjas, alas, never yell, drink (to MY knowledge, though they would probably hold their alcohol very well), OR wench. That is why in the Nella Book o' Awesomeness, Ninjas LOSE, and Pirates WIN. End of story.

(...Although, remind me to recount how my good, but woefully misguided friend and adorer of all things ninja, neo_ninja, and I have finally reached a sort of accord when it comes to ninjas and pirates co-inhabiting)

However--this third POTC movie just is lacking the heart of the first POTC. The first POTC was comparably small in scale, if you think about it. A small number of main characters, in a small world (the Caribbean). In my mind, it was well balanced. Then the second movie expanded the horizons, added more characters, more locations. Ok. I still could dig it. But the third movie?

Captain Jack, Barbossa, the rest of the piratey types we've been rooting for--they got lost in the Epic Shuffle that was POTC 3. And pirates shouldn't get lost in ANY shuffle, so to speak. Or sure, they can sashay unnoticed through bar scuffles like Jack does BRILLIANTLY in the second movie. But pirates shouldn't be getting upstaged by horrible epic speeches about--

*pulls out Mel Gibson/Braveheart impression*

FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOM!!!!!!!!

Because that's what they tried to make POTC 3--an EPIC, "Band of Brothers We!", "They-can-take-our-lives-but-they'll-never-take-our-Freedom!" sort of movie, lead by Elizabeth Swann (which is ANOTHER rant entirely).

'Twas Epic. 'Twas Do-Or-Die.

But that's not…piratey. And it was just too much, my friends. I was actually BORED by the final movie battle.

BORED.

ME.

BY A SEA BATTLE.

I don't get BORED during sea battles! HELL, it could be two guys splashing each other in a bath tub, and I'd be *mind wanders to a smutty place*…wait a minute, that's a bad example. Strike that.

It could be two guys in separate dinghies throwing water balloons at each other with some dramatic camera angles, and I'd dig it. The point is, I yawned at the ZOMG FINAL BATTLE between the Rebels (the Pirates) and The Evil Empire (East India Co). The glorious last stands of pirates should be like the infamous duel of Blackbeard and Lieutenant Maynard, not like the destruction of the second Death Star.

But aside from the FEELING being off, the emphasis on Elizabeth just made my teeth grit. But that's a rant I don't feel like contemplating right now, thank you very much. The short of the long is, I tried to like her, I really did!! But, Gah! But she's been tripping my very-biased-and-finely-honed-in-the-fires-of-fan-fiction Sue-odometer, and in this last movie, she made it go HAYWIRE.

Yes, there were things I loved in this 3rd installment, like the mythology that was created for this piratey, sea-faring world. In fact, sea-mythology FTW. Hell, even the ending for Liz and Will? You know what, that I rather liked. Romantic, bittersweet, AND it kicks the both of them FIRMLY out of the picture (if the ending at the end of the credits suggests ANYTHING, it's that).

But, much like Spiderman 3, I find myself unable to revel in the bits I loved without pulling up terrible, PTSD-like flashbacks to the bits that tore at my SOUL and made me GROWL at the screen.

I hear there's talk of POTC 4, but…the Golden Age of Piracy is dead and gone now.

Oh, and ending note.

*pulls out the best Captain Jack Sparrow impression she's got*

*Looks towards Norrington*

STILL rooting for you, mate.

OK....Jack Sparrow's compass points to whatever the holder wants most.


In the first fucking movie, whilst it is in the hands on Norrington, the damn thing is pointing at Jack. The proof is in teh screen cap!!!

Now, OF COURSE we can all just take this in the "but he's a pirate, DUH Norrington wants to get his hands on him!"

BUT I WILL TAKE MY SUBTEXT AND RUN WITH IT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH SIR!


EDIT: I desperately need a "Their one-sided hatred is love" color bar for Sparrow and Norrington, or at least something to that effect.




EDIT of an EDIT: Yes. Yes I am a very, very, very closeted Sparrington shipper. *wibbles* Davenport! I blame Davenport! And Depp playing the ambiguously sexual pirate! It's all their fault! I can't resist the snark and the one sided 'sworn enemies' and flamboyant dress!! I CANNOT!!




EDIT ON a plane: Hooray for fandom taking continuity and running with it!!!!!